When the Hurt Lingers
by Joe Leavell
Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels
It was supposed to be a fun day at the lake with my family, yet when I think back on the memory, it still haunts me.
During our vacation, my family and I were visiting my grandparents, who thought it would be nice to spend a warm day at the lake with a picnic and swimming.
Like any young boy, I wanted to see how far around the lake I could go while still touching the bottom. As I moved along the edge of the lake, I noticed a couple of teenage boys about 50 yards away. They were climbing up the side of a hill, one following the other.
Then it happened.
As the first boy climbed higher, he placed all his weight on a boulder about the size of his body. It wasn’t stable, and as he stepped off, the boulder began to roll.
Everything happened in an instant, yet in my mind, it felt like an hour.
In horror, I stood frozen, unable to move or speak, as the boulder tumbled toward the second boy. A moment later I heard a loud “thump” followed by a cracking sound. Paralyzed in shock, I heard the boy cry out in agony: “Ahh!!! My leg!!” I stared at the massive boulder pinning down where his leg should have been.
What happened next is a blur. Somehow, I found myself back at the edge of the lake, wrapped in a towel, while people asked me what had happened and if I was okay. My dad and a few men were working to free the boy’s leg and apply a tourniquet. We all stood there as the ambulance arrived and carried him away, his moans of pain echoing in the air.
Did that teen lose his leg? How long did it take for him to recover? What is his life like today? I’ll never know. What I do know is that I can still hear the sound of bones breaking and his scream of pain in my mind. When I think back on that day, I am instantly transported to the lake. The emotions are as real now as they were then: my breath shortens, my heart races, and even after all these years, tears sometimes well up in my eyes.
Why Can’t You Just Get Over It?
Whether it is the death of a loved one, a broken relationship, abuse, or another traumatic memory, these experiences can usher in an overwhelming flood of emotion. These sensations are real, powerful, and can be very difficult to work through even after long periods of time.
Yet these moments of emotion can be frustrating to those who haven’t been affected. “Why can’t you move on?” “Why are you still stuck in the past? That was ages ago!” I’ve seen this play out several times. For example, a husband cannot understand why, six months after confessing to an affair, his wife is still gripped by such strong emotions. “What’s wrong with her? I know I hurt her, but how long is this going to take for her to get over this and get back to normal?” Even when a wife commits to forgiveness and reconciliation, the pain of betrayal is not simply a matter of “getting over it.”
Confusing Bitterness with Lingering Pain
Well-meaning counselors and even pastors sometimes overlook the painful impact of sin and suffering and jump straight to the sufferer’s response. “You just have to look to Jesus and move forward.” Even when processing Biblically, if the hurts persist, they are often wrongly equated with unforgiveness, bitterness, or a lack of trust in God’s sovereignty, rather than recognized as the lingering effects of living in a fallen world or the impact of the sins of others.
Scripture, especially the Psalms, is filled with numerous examples of raw and unfiltered emotions that persist through time. Psalm 42 says, “My tears have been my food day and night.” These words describe ongoing grief and tears so strong that the psalmist cannot even eat. Psalm 13 asks God, “How Long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” This psalm expresses a prolonged suffering, sorrow, weariness (also see Psalm 6:6) and frustration that God is allowing him to experience this lingering pain.
Imagine giving this counsel to the teen as he is loaded up into the ambulance. “It’s OK, man. The boulder is off your leg now. Why are you still hurting? You need to just trust God and move on! You’d better not get bitter! Remember, your response is on you. Why isn’t Jesus enough for you?”
We would never say that! We understand that the road to recovery is a long one, including a cast and months of physical therapy.
It makes sense in our minds when it is a physical pain, but what would we say to the psalmists who are writing their lamentations that became part of Scripture? Frankly, emotional pain can cut even deeper than physical pain. I heard many wives express that they would rather endure physical beatings than the onslaught of verbal beatdowns they endure from an abusive husband. Emotional wounds are profoundly painful. Combine that pain with the commitment to forgive, and the emotional angst can resurface each time a memory revives the hurt, requiring forgiveness to be extended anew.
For victims of molestation or PTSD from war, hearing, “Why are you still struggling? Just look to Jesus and move on!” only magnifies the hurt and piles guilt on top of it. In adding insult to injury, quoting Philippians 4:6 out of context, “Be anxious for nothing…” is used to express that the continual experience of emotional pain itself is sinful. Sufferers are often pressured through implicit church cultures and counsel that the proper response is not honest lamentation to God but a kind of cold emotionless stoicism. This is why so many suffer in silence and pretend that they are resolutely “OK”, in order to avoid shame, while secretly breaking inside.
Of course, bitterness is destructive, like gangrene, and can prevent true healing. Bitterness arises when we refuse to process our pain through Christ’s forgiveness and God’s character. Bitterness is a form of pride and twisted justice that wreaks havoc on our relationship with God and others, making it impossible to heal.
Yet the existence of lingering emotional pain does not automatically mean bitterness is present. Take grieving the death of a loved one. How long should that hurt? For most, the ache will remain in some form for life, even if they process their loss in a biblical way
Healing Often Takes Longer Than We Want
We live in a culture with an incredibly short attention span! When it comes to pain, our patience is even shorter. We are uncomfortable around the hurting and tend to look away. While we readily accept that a broken bone needs time to heal, we rarely allow ourselves the same grace when healing from emotional wounds.
We get frustrated with ourselves, wondering what’s wrong with us because we continue to struggle. When others become impatient, we bury the pain, pretending all is well, even when our insides are wanting to burst open. This leads to guilt, frustration, and sometimes sinful attempts to escape the pain, whether in anger toward God or in addictions that numb but never heal.
Scripture tells us, “There is a time to heal.” (Ecclesiastes 3:3b) How long does this season last? The Bible doesn’t say. Job’s friends sat in silence with him for seven days before speaking one word. In our culture that gives an average of just 5 days for bereavement, we’d be expecting Job to get back to work by then! We shouldn’t be surprised when even biblically processed pain takes far longer to heal than we would impatiently expect.
If you are struggling, please do not look to harmful or sinful ways to mask your pain. We want to be here for you and walk you through it. We’re not in a hurry and will not shame you even, if years have passed. Whether you need the “bone set” towards biblically dealing with the root cause of the pain, or if you need the “physical therapy” of long-term support, we’re here for you. Through Christ, the Great Physician, you can indeed find true healing.
