The Courage to Be Disliked: Freedom Through a Christian Lens
by Tania Hilton
Every once in a while, you read a book that resonates deeply, because it names something you’ve seen in the human heart. The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi is one of those books. Its ideas about personal responsibility, freedom from people-pleasing, and letting go of control over others’ opinions speak directly to the struggles many people carry.
Many of the people I counsel struggle deeply with feeling responsible for everyone’s emotions. They fear disappointing others. They carry the exhausting burden of managing how they are perceived. When someone is upset, they assume it is their fault. When someone withdraws, they panic. Their internal question is often, “What did I do wrong?” or “What’s wrong with me?” even when they have done nothing wrong at all.
Processing Through a Christian Lens
As Christians, however, we must remember that we do not receive ideas unfiltered. As I was reading The Courage to Be Disliked, I was carefully discerning what is true, helpful, and consistent with the gospel—reading it with a Christian Lens. We take what reflects common grace and hold it up to the light of Scripture, allowing Christ and His finished work to anchor every concept. When we do this, even secular insights can become tools for deeper freedom, aligning these concepts with the One who is Truth.
One of the most helpful ideas in The Courage to Be Disliked is the concept of separating tasks. It asks a simple but freeing question: Whose responsibility is this? My task is to live faithfully and act with integrity. In anything that I do, I always tell myself, “Let this be pleasing to the Lord”. Another person’s response to my actions (or inactions) belongs to them. The job of liking me is not my job. It’s not my task.
Scripture leads us into this freedom in an even deeper way. We are not freed from people’s approval because we have mastered detachment or perfection; we are free because our identity is secure in Christ. Romans 8:1 declares,
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
If God Himself has already spoken the final verdict over your life, then human approval cannot add to it, and human rejection cannot subtract from it. You are not performing for a courtroom that is still deliberating. The verdict has already been given: justified, forgiven, adopted.
This is why Paul says in Galatians 1:10,
“Am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
The Christian is not called to harsh independence or emotional isolation; the Christian is called to freedom from slavery to someone’s opinion of them. When we attempt to control how others perceive us, we are often trying to secure something that has already been given to us in Christ. First John 3:1 says,
“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.”
That identity is not fragile. It does not fluctuate with someone’s mood, disappointment, or misunderstanding. It’s not reliant on someone’s conditional feelings towards you. It’s reliant on God’s unconditional grace!
Biblical Responsibility in Relationships
Separating tasks becomes deeply biblical when we understand responsibility rightly. Galatians 6:5 teaches that “each will have to bear his own load.” We are responsible for our obedience, our words, our repentance, and our love. We are not responsible for controlling another person’s internal world. We are called to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), to pursue peace (Romans 12:18), and to live honorably before others (Romans 12:17). Yet even Jesus, who loved perfectly, was misunderstood, rejected, and abandoned. Many who heard Him teach “turned back and no longer walked with him” (John 6:66). He did not manipulate their response. He entrusted Himself to the Father.
When someone struggles with anxiety or people-pleasing, there is often a fear underneath it: the fear of rejection. Scripture names this directly. “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe” - Proverbs 29:25. The snare is subtle. It feels like empathy. It feels like humility. Yet often it is an attempt to secure our own safety through approval. The gospel offers a sturdier refuge. “If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31). When your security rests in Christ Alone, you no longer need universal agreement to feel stable.
This concept does not make you indifferent. In fact, it allows you to love more honestly. When you are not trying to control someone’s perception of you, you can listen without defensiveness. You can apologize without collapsing into shame. You can set boundaries without cruelty. You can say no without panic. Your obedience belongs to God; their response belongs to them. Let everything you do be pleasing to the Lord!
From Pressure to Freedom
For the person who feels trapped in relational control, this is profoundly freeing. You are not the Holy Spirit. You are not responsible for fixing every misunderstanding or managing every emotional reaction. Misunderstandings are bound to happen. First Corinthians 3:7 reminds us that growth ultimately belongs to God. We plant. We water. God gives the growth. That applies not only to ministry but to relationships. You can act in integrity and entrust the outcome to Him.
Christian courage is not self-generated confidence. It is resting in a finished work of Christ's death and resurrection. Colossians 3:3 says, “For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” When your life is hidden with Christ, you are no longer scrambling to defend it. You are free to obey even when misunderstood. You are free to be kind without being controlled. You are free to be disliked without being undone.
For those who live under the constant pressure to keep everyone happy, this is good news indeed! You are allowed to be faithful instead of flawless. You are allowed to disappoint people while still honoring God. You are allowed to release what was never yours to carry. Your worth is not on trial. Your identity is not fragile. In Christ, it is settled.
And from that settled place, real courage grows.
You aren’t meant to walk alone. If you would like to pursue counseling through BCA or have additional questions, please reach out today! You can register here or contact us at info@biblicalcounselingaz.org.
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