A Biblical Response to Unhealthy Family Dynamics
by Tania Hilton
Shared with permission.
A counselee of mine recently came to me heartbroken and confused. He had reached out to his aging parents in hopes of having an honest, grace-filled conversation about painful behaviors and long-standing wounds in their relationship. With courage and humility, he asked if they could talk about how some of their words and actions had affected him over the years.
Instead of being met with openness or even curiosity, his request was met with offense and outrage. His parents grew defensive and dismissive. They listed all the things they had done “right” as parents, paying for sports, birthday parties, and education, as well as keeping a roof over his head and providing food on the table. They even pointed out that they had helped him financially and had started a college fund for his kids. In their eyes, their sacrifices should outweigh any wrongdoing, and any reference to past hurt was interpreted not only as ungrateful but as un-Christian-like of him. Bringing up any hurt was completely unacceptable and a violation of God’s command to “honor thy mother and thy father.”
While the reaction of his parents initially took him back, what happened next shocked him. Rather than sit with the discomfort of the conversation or reflect on the impact of their words, he found out from a relative that his parents abruptly moved out of state without telling him and changed their phone number. Days later, he received a message through another family member that said he should “read his Bible more” and “learn what true forgiveness looks like.”
The pain in his voice was palpable. He wasn’t trying to punish his parents by bringing up old wounds or dysfunctional family habits; he simply wanted to be understood by the very people he loved most. He had wanted a chance to heal old wounds and find a new way forward in the relationship together. But now he was left wondering: Is it un-Christian-like to ask for change in an unhealthy relationship? Is it unforgiving to set boundaries that prevent family from hurting you further?
Let’s talk about that.
Forgiveness is a Command, But So is Truthfulness
The Bible is clear: we are to forgive, just as God in Christ forgave us (Ephesians 4:32). Forgiveness is not optional for Christians. It is at the heart of the gospel we believe and proclaim. But Scripture never commands us to ignore reality, enable abusive behavior, or deny the truth for the sake of peacekeeping.
Jesus did indeed tell His followers to "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39), but He also instructed His disciples in how to deal with someone who sins against us. In Matthew 18:15–17, Jesus outlines a process for addressing wrongdoing:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along... If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
This is a process for reconciliation. Yet it recognizes that reconciliation is not always possible. There are times when people refuse to acknowledge harm, and in those cases, Jesus Himself says to walk away.
Forgiveness is a heart posture, a decision to release someone from the debt they owe us. My husband describes it as “taking your foot off the other person’s neck”. It’s something we do for the sake of our own hearts and in obedience to Christ, whether or not the other person ever says, "I’m sorry."
But reconciliation is different from forgiveness. Reconciliation requires mutual ownership of wrongs, humility, accountability, and effort. It takes two people committed to rebuilding trust and walking together in truth, no matter how hard that can be. You can forgive someone and still create distance if their behavior is harmful or unrepentant.
Romans 12:18 reminds us,
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
There is wisdom in the words if possible. There are situations where peace is not possible, not because of a lack of forgiveness, but because of a lack of repentance.
When Scripture Is Used as a Weapon
Sadly, one of the most painful experiences I see in counseling is when the Bible is used not to comfort with the Gospel or correct with the Law, but to control with coercion. “You’re not being a good Christian.” “God says you have to forgive and forget.” “Love means putting up with everything.” These are not faithful interpretations of Scripture; they are distortions designed to silence and shame.
God’s Word was never meant to be a tool for gaslighting or manipulation. Christ did not come to burden the wounded with guilt, but to bind up the brokenhearted (Isaiah 61:1). If someone uses the Bible to invalidate your pain or demand silence, that is not biblical correction; it is spiritual abuse.
If you find yourself in a situation similar to my counselee, dealing with parents who are emotionally immature, defensive, or unrepentant, here are a few biblical and practical truths to remember:
You can forgive while still setting boundaries: Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. You can extend grace from the heart, releasing someone from the debt they owe you, while still maintaining a healthy distance. In fact, sometimes boundaries are what grace looks like in action.
Jesus Himself modeled this. He did not entrust Himself to everyone (John 2:24). He walked away when crowds became hostile or manipulative (Luke 4:29–30). When His message was too much for some, and they turned away, He let them go (John 6:66). Jesus was not co-dependent or guilt-driven. He loved perfectly, and yet He knew when to stay and when to withdraw.
Forgiving someone sometimes means “emotional distance” by not putting yourself in harm’s way again. Sometimes love says, “I release you, but I cannot remain in close relationship with you unless trust and safety are rebuilt.”
You are not dishonoring your parents by being honest: Many adult children wrestle with this, even those who grew up in religious homes. They’ve been taught that honoring your parents means never speaking out, never disagreeing, never rocking the boat. But biblical honor does not mean silent suffering.
Honoring your father and mother (Exodus 20:12) means treating them with respect and dignity. It does not mean enabling sin or pretending everything is okay when it isn’t. Jesus Himself challenged family systems that prioritized appearance over truth (see Matthew 10:34–37). And Paul reminds us that love “rejoices with the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:6).
Speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) is one of the most honorable things you can do, because it reflects God’s heart. You are seeking reconciliation, not revenge and not to attack. Honesty opens the door to healing, even if others choose not to walk through it.
You are not responsible for their reaction: This is one of the hardest and also the most freeing truths in Scripture: you are not in charge of anyone else's reaction. You can pray, prepare, speak gently and clearly, and still be misunderstood, rejected, or blamed. That doesn’t make you a failure. That makes you human.
As Paul says in Galatians 6:5, “Each will have to bear his own load.” Their reaction belongs to them. Your responsibility is to be faithful, not to manage someone else’s emotions. You are not the Holy Spirit.
In fact, attempting to control another person’s response often leads to anxiety, exhaustion, and spiritual confusion. Let go of the illusion that if you “say it just right,” they’ll finally change. Love them, speak truth, and then surrender the outcome to God. He is the one who convicts hearts, not you.
You can grieve what never was and still hope in what could be: One of the heaviest burdens adult children carry is the grief of unmet longing: the parent who has a hard time listening, who refuses to apologize, and avoids saying “I hurt you, and I’m sorry.” It’s a grief that often goes unspoken because the world tends to dismiss it. “They did the best they could,” “At least you had a roof over your head,” “Just be grateful.”
But your heart knows the difference between duty and delight. Between basic provision and emotional presence. You’re allowed to grieve the love you were created for but never received.
And yet, grief is not the end of the story. As Christians, we live in the already and not yet. We know that Christ is making all things new, even broken family stories. He meets us right in the ache, offering comfort now and hope for what could be in this life or the next.
As Isaiah 40:11 says,
“He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart.”
That includes you. You are not forgotten. You are not alone. Even in this painful place, Jesus is doing deeper work, restoring your identity, reclaiming your voice, and redeeming your story.
My counselee’s story highlights something essential: Biblical forgiveness is not about erasing the truth or enabling the cycle of hurt to continue. It’s about releasing bitterness to God, trusting His justice, and choosing to walk in freedom, even if that means walking away. If you're wrestling with similar questions, know this: you’re not alone. And there is grace, wisdom, and support available as you navigate this journey. You are seen. You are heard. And you are deeply loved by your Father in Heaven, who never turns away when His children come to Him in pain.
Biblical Counseling of Arizona is a 501 C3 non-profit counseling center that relies on the generosity of donors to provide affordable care for those in financial need. If you are interested in asking specific questions about our counseling, or are interested in financially partnering with BCA, please reach out to us at (480) 535-1800, write us at info@biblicalcounselingaz.org, or click here to donate.
