A Husband’s Vulnerability in Marriage
by Joe Leavell
Several months ago, my wife and I were out for a walk in the evening near our home. As we passed a neighborhood park, someone had a large dog off leash with no one visually close by. As we started to pass by on the sidewalk, the dog down in the field saw us, barked fiercely, and made a bolt in our direction. He did not appear friendly.
In that moment, my wife and I did not have a conversation about our roles in marriage, and who was going to protect whom. I simply motioned her behind me with my arm, attempted to make myself appear larger, and lowered my voice deeper to warn the dog to stop. The owners, having emerged from distant shadows, began to sprint over, but the dog completely ignored their shouts. I braced myself for impact.
Thankfully, before it reached us, the dog broke off and circled back to its owner.
I would gather that no one reading this is offended by my actions. No one would think that I was subjugating my wife, or treating her as less than me as a man, by automatically defending her wellbeing. My wife certainly did not think so. She has no problem knowing that if there is a dangerous situation, I will stand between my family and harm. At that moment, I made myself vulnerable to potential harm to protect my wife.
A Husband’s Responsibility and Risk
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
— 1 Peter 3:7
That word likewise is key to understanding a husband’s vulnerability.
The book of 1 Peter addresses Christians who are suffering, and in difficult positions and roles. They are called to trust God, and to act honorably in their struggles, even when they are treated unjustly.
In our last article, seen here, we addressed a wife’s vulnerability, which provides important Scriptural context that also helps understand a husband’s vulnerability. 1 Peter 3 says she likewise entrusts herself to her husband’s care and leadership, sometimes in situations that require deep faith and courage. Likewise, indicates husbands also face their own vulnerability in marriage.
In many more ways than protecting a wife from a dog, God designed the husband to be responsible for the wellbeing of his family. He is tasked not only with watching for threats from outside the home, but also with providing stability, provision, and leadership within it.
This creates real vulnerability in two ways.
First is the obvious threat from outside. Like with the dog, there are dangers a husband is typically required to step into. This ranges from providing for the family’s practical needs, to checking out a noise in the middle of the night, or being the designated spider removal service. He regularly puts himself in difficult or risky positions for his family. He is tasked with the mental load of ensuring his family has the practical provision they need to thrive, while also remaining present enough to stay emotionally connected with his wife, and still make sure to be an involved, caring father. He is to do so with understanding and honor for his wife, who is described as the “weaker vessel” in need of his care.
But there is a second vulnerability that runs much deeper.
While a husband expects threats from outside, he is not prepared for betrayal from within. In protecting his family, he exposes himself to the possibility of being wounded by his wife if she is not trustworthy. Whether by taking him for granted, abandoning him when he is weak or exhausted, or even seeking to manipulate, control, and possibly mistreat the one she is called to follow.
This happens in ways that are quieter, slower, and harder to name than if it were a single moment of obvious treachery.
Vulnerability of Being Used
“Nothing I do is good enough.”
Like a person who wants salvation, but not the Savior, a husband may begin experiencing an underlying uneasiness. While seeking to sacrifice himself like Christ for his bride, he suspects that he is being valued more for what he provides than for who he is. He begins to see her love becoming contingent on her desires being met. This may not even be his wife’s heart posture, but it is what he gleans from conversations that can land more like performance reviews from a manager than a wife’s invitation for connection.
So, he works long hours, providing for the family, carrying increasing responsibilities. He feels the weight of being expected to maintain a certain standard of living, but then experiences frustration when he is criticized for not being sufficiently present.
He keeps multiple plates spinning in multiple arenas, but experiences judgment and even punishment when any of them fall. He is noticed not for all he does, but what he begins to forget. This could be as simple as forgetting to take out the trash or a more consequential failure.
Over time, he may begin to feel more like a useful workhorse than a husband.
In a similar way that a wife can begin to feel used for her body in an unhealthy relationship, a husband can begin to sense he is being used for his ability to provide a measure of economic security and checking things off the honey-do list. He fears that what keeps his wife loyal is not her love, but his utility.
God truly has designed a husband to thrive by serving and sacrificing for his wife and kids, but that joy is turned to despondency when he perceives he is pouring out his life for someone who does not truly want him and is merely using him for his performance. Many men who struggle with anxiety, depression, irritated anger, and similar challenges, often do so from a deep sense of feeling unwanted and unloved at home.
Attempting set the record straight that she does truly care, the wife coaxes him into sharing his stresses and burdens with her. Instead of feeling the support, he now senses his sharing only causes his wife undue pain, stress, and frustration. He blames himself, as though he is not man enough to handle the load that is expected of him, because he truly desires nothing more than to give his wife her heart’s desires. So, many men will subsequently work silently to his own harm to protect his wife from the load of the weight he carries.
Unfortunately, in doubling down on the performance, expectations continue to climb in proportion. The wife may even see these additions as a compliment, believing in his capabilities.
These husbands become vulnerable to unhealthy or unholy forms of seeking validation and escape when they turn anywhere but God for their identity and worth, perpetuating marriage problems further.
Vulnerability to Harm From Within
There are also situations where harm is more direct.
Some husbands find themselves in situations where their wives are less virtuous. These wives have issued ultimatums and threats if their husbands do not perform. These husbands are sent to counseling as a means of restoring their husbands’ usefulness rather than restoring their marital love.
Wives are regularly invited to participate in counseling alongside their husbands. Just like you cannot zip up a coat with only one side of the zipper, a marriage cannot be repaired if only one person is willing to examine themselves.
It is both spouses who need to hand the keys of control over to Jesus and follow His Kingdom and His design. Even if her kingdom may appear to be better on the surface than her husband’s, it will always be far inferior to Jesus’. Even more dangerous is if she has long confused her kingdom with God’s.
This is not every situation, but it is not rare either.
The Danger of Abuse
Even more seriously, there are husbands who experience ongoing patterns of verbal, emotional, and even physical harm. Men are not the only ones capable of abuse. Some husbands are mocked, belittled, controlled, or even physically abused. Some are corrected harshly in front of others, spoken down to as if they were children. Many do not speak up. Some are ashamed and embarrassed. Some men do attempt to push back, but are married to a wife who is quick on her feet with verbal manipulation and gaslighting. Others fear the consequences if they try to defend themselves or leave. Some simply do not believe if they try to get help they will be taken seriously.
According to the Office of Statistics, one in five men has been the victim of domestic violence by their partner. This is not a statistic to ignore. This does not minimize the far more common reality of husbands who sinfully abuse their wives, but statistics do not help the unseen husband who is on the receiving end of abuse.
It must be said clearly: Christlike leadership never calls a husband to passively endure ongoing abuse or unrepentant sin. Scripture commands a husband to give himself for his wife, but not for his wife’s kingdom. He is to love her like Christ loved the church, but Jesus never leaves us in our sin. He lovingly leads us towards freedom.
Enduring hardship for Christ is not the same as passively enabling sin, or abdicating our leadership role to simply placate wives who are walking outside of God’s design.
This again puts a husband in a vulnerable position of upsetting even a fragile semblance of peace he has found if he speaks up for God’s design. The blowback could be significant if he invites her to join him in surrendering the keys of their hearts to Jesus.
Yet faithfulness may require confronting sin, seeking help, involving wise counsel, or establishing boundaries for safety. Strength as a husband is not seen in maintaining longstanding endurance of harm without response. It is through honoring Christ with lovingly upholding truth.
A Needed Word to the Church
In many churches, there is strong and needed teaching directed toward husbands about loving their wives well. This is good and biblical. But often, there is far less teaching or counsel directed toward wives’ understanding of their role in marriage.
The result can be an imbalance where husbands experience the weight of responsibility for the health of their marriage placed almost entirely on them, while their wives are rarely invited into the same level of self-examination. This does not help marriages. It distorts God’s design.
In some cases, there can be a tendency to assume the husband is the primary problem without careful examination of both sides.When husbands sense that dynamic, many withdraw from the process entirely. Then they are criticized for being distant and unrepentant, which only deepens the cycle of distrust and resentment.
At the same time, situations where a wife contributes significantly to the breakdown may go unaddressed or minimized. I have even seen a church side with an adulterous wife because she postured herself as the victim of a husband who was not meeting her emotional needs. The experience of partiality can make it seem like not only his wife has stabbed him in the back, but also family, friends, and the church. He is left virtually alone.
Wise pastors and leaders must resist this imbalanced perspective. Both husband and wife must be called to surrender to His control (James 3 and 4). The issue is always about loyalty to Jesus’ Kingdom, never about choosing whether the wife’s or the husband’s kingdom is better. Jesus is better!
Fear of the church’s past failures in handling abuse must not cause us to abandon biblical clarity. Elders must never shepherd in fear, but with the truth in love. These situations are often complex and painful, and they require careful, wise, and patient discernment.
Scripture is not silent about the potential for a destructive wife. Proverbs speaks to it plainly. While such cases may be less common than abusive husbands, wisdom requires that we acknowledge God’s warning in His Word, and apply it rightly to each situation. Scripture calls us to discern wisely, not flatten complexity.
The Gospel and a Husband’s Vulnerability
1 Peter 3 shows that God understands both a wife’s and a husband’s vulnerability, both from outside threats and from wounds within the home. Like a wife is reliant on God to be her ultimate protector, a husband must learn to trust that Christ is his ultimate source of value.
Husbands are called to grow in understanding their wives and to continue honoring them. They are to lead with courage, humility, and wisdom, knowing that obedience to Christ is not without risk, but never without purpose.
This kind of leadership requires growth in courage, tenderness, and faith, learning to lead not from fear or performance, but from a secure identity in Christ.
And when struggles come, they need to be faced honestly. Sin must be confronted, help sought, and healing pursued, even when the road is long and difficult.
The only way forward in marriage is for both husband and wife to be vulnerable with each other, not recklessly, but under the authority of Christ and shaped by His truth.
The Gospel makes this possible, enabling us to humble our hearts under His care.
Jesus vulnerably gave Himself for His bride, knowing she was imperfect. He was not blind to her sin, nor did He excuse it. He confronted it, carried its cost, and made a way for her to be made new.
That is both the model and the hope of living out the Gospel in marriage.
If you and your spouse are struggling, please reach out for help today!
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